Tuesday, May 31, 2016

It could be worse....?

I have struggled for a loooooong time with self worth. I have struggled with self identity, self hate, and suicidal thoughts. And the truth is....I still do. I still look at myself and wish that it wasn't me looking back. I still have times when I wonder what it would be like to be that thinner more attractive version of myself that I have never seen. But the thing that pulls me back from the edge, the thing that makes me keep going, that thing is the thing that I never knew what I wanted. I never wanted to get married and I was told long ago that I probably wouldn't be able to have children. I was fine with that. Until I wasn't. People say that if you live a healthy life style, eat GMO free, vegetarian/vegan diets free from harsh growth hormones that your body will be better. I was a vegetarian through ALL of the important puberty years and it changes nothing. It didn't matter what I ate or didn't eat, I would still have a reproductive system that feels like it has been through a blender. So much damage and so much pain, physically and emotionally, because I am not able to do what I should be able to do; have a child of my own. I know that I have a great life, a wonderful husband and step daughter that is like my own but I can't help but feel like I am missing that one  part. I do not get to be mom, I do not get a mother's day. I know that this is suppose to be about getting healthy and being the best you that you can be. But being the best version of yourself also includes that emotional and psychological side. I struggle daily with this. I have seen it so prevalent lately. So many other women in the same situation that I am in, struggling so hard to understand why I can't have a child and why these other women who do not need children just keep popping them out. It is hard to look at women like that and not think about how unfair it is. I just keep pushing through. I have done everything the doctors have told me to do and nothing has changes. Now here I am, over 30 and still struggling with this issue.  People keep telling me "it will happen when it's meant to happen" and it makes me angry to hear that! I am so tired of having to hold back how I feel about this issue. It hurts, it is exhausting, and I hate every minute of it. But what more can I do??? I guess, just keep pushing, just keep being the best me that I can be, but right now, I am just too tired to try and inspire anyone.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Life Goes On

It has been so long since I have updated. Things have been so very crazy lately. I am still chucking along with this journey. We are still softballin' it up. Life has also gotten in the way. I had to give up two of my precious fur babies because I just did not have the time to care for them with working and everything else. My little baby Snoop found a good home with a loving family. And my little Doby went to live with a lady that has other dogs for him to play with. It took so much time for me to find them a proper home with people that I found suitable for their personality. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Those were more than just pets, they were my children. I have been informed by doctors that it is next to impossible for me to carry a pregnancy full term so I turned to raising little pups. Having to give them up just made me feel like a failure; as a pet owner and as a woman. My husband tries to console me but it really doesn't help. I don't tell him that, but it is just hard to watch these women all around me who shouldn't be having children get pregnant on accident and I can't even do it on purpose. So, I focus on my health. I channel all of that energy into making myself better because what else can I do? That is why I do the job that I do, because I need to feel like I am capable of making a difference. I don't do it for the glory, I do it because sometimes you just don't know what people are feeling and there are times that they just need someone to be there, silently listening. That's what I focus on. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. But I keep chucking along. I try to inspire some one, I try to be the best me that I can possibly be. Sometimes, that's all a person has....

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Well then...

    I have been so busy this week that I didn't even get to post on Monday! Anyway, here is a short update: I had my end of month weigh in and I am proud to say that I have lost 9.4lbs on the Cize program! I know it may not seem like much to some people but that is a great deal of weight to lose in a month! I am hoping to keep up this trend this month, although, this month has not started out so well. I am determined  to get back on track this week though! I am also going to be running another free 7 Day Clean Eating Challenge!!! I hope that people will want to get in on this. It is a great way get your body ready to transition into a longer program. Anyway, I am proud of myself for this small accomplishment. I wish I could say that I had the same amount of success with my Beachbody business, however, it has not picked up at all. I have not signed a single paying customer, but I do have 3 free customers right now. So I guess that's a start. I just want to be able to help people be healthy and be on the same journey with them. It is possible to achieve your goals if you are willing to work for it. I have been contacted by individuals selling itWorks and Advocare that tried to get me on board. I just do not think that hand fulls of pills and shrink wrap are the way to go. It is all about a lifestyle change and that is what I am trying to promote. You don't have to be a fitness expert to be healthy, just choose to make a change. If you need help along that journey, feel free to contact me and I will do everything I can to help you! I am not trying to sell you anything at all! I just want everyone to have the chance to make a change and know that someone is always routing for you!  Just remember, be the best you that you can be and go inspire someone!